It’s February; love’s in the air, and apparently everyone is high on the Valentine’s Day Kool-Aid.

You expect to be inundated with love stories, engagements and wedding photos but did you ever think you would see so many LGBTQ engagements and weddings?

I mean it’s not just in traditional media but on social media and in local media as well.

Ellen DeGeneres/Portia de Rossi, Elton John/David Furnish, Cynthia Nixon/Christine Marinoni, George Takei/Brad Altman, Neil Patrick Harris/David Burtka, Rosie O’Donnell/Michelle Rounds and Jim Nabors/Stan Callawader are just a few of the celebrity couples whose nuptials have made headlines.

And these unions are being reported not as assaults on the “sanctity of marriage” but as a reason to celebrate far and wide.

With Maryland and Maine joining Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Washington and the District of Colombia, more and more LGBTQ brothers and sisters are following Beyonce’s advice and “Putting a ring on it.” I’ve received so many invitations that for 2013, I’ve had to add a new line to my personal budget for wedding gifts and travel. Amazing!!!

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with a reporter and talk about the marriage equality movement and the changes I’ve seen since 2004 when I first got involved fighting a discriminatory proposal in my home state of Michigan.

Unfortunately that proposal passed, enshrining discrimination into the state’s constitution. It went beyond banning same-sex marriage and civil unions, and was interpreted by the Michigan Supreme Court to not allow public employers to grant domestic partnership benefits.

Then as now, I’m not looking for a wife. I’ve never had dreams of a big wedding, a church wedding or any kind of wedding for that matter. My mother got married in a yellow suit in her parent’s living room about three months after meeting my dad. The story was steeped in romanticism but the reality of married life observed from this child’s eye – well led me to the conclusion that, like the song goes, “I could do bad by myself.”

But there was something about that first foray into the war for marriage equality that hit home. Not only were these opponents spreading lies and falsely vilifying my community, I realized that in many instances I was invisible as a gay American to my friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and community.

Since those early days we, as a community, have done a lot to remove that invisibility and the public shift on gay marriage is the result of all that hard work. Even as I write this I know other states including Illinois are moving towards marriage equality.

A part of me is ready to go out and buy some dancing shoes for all those wedding receptions on the horizon but I’m still not ready to jump on the marriage band wagon.

Why you might ask? Because we still haven’t had that real discussion about marriage that goes beyond the ring and the ceremony – the denial of the basic human rights.

I have dialogues on gay rights and marriage on several different sites and on the weekly blog radio program I co-host “Can We Talk For Real.” I have been amazed by the diversity of feelings on marriage in the LGBTQ community.

Marriage is how we acknowledge our relationships, a showing of our personal commitment to the love of our life for the whole world to see. So how are we making marriage our own in our ceremonies, in our expectations and in our lives? Are we making it our own or buying into the industry?

I read a recent post where the woman had a laundry list for potential spouses which included not only income and education levels but also that her future spouse owned a car no more than five years old. Then there are the wedding planners/packages that for the right price can give you the best faux-heterosexual ceremony so authentic that even FOX News was fooled recently using a “wedding kiss” photo to accompany a piece about traditional gender roles that was actually of a same sex couple.

But this isn’t what we’ve been fighting for, more like unintended consequences.

What we’ve been fighting for is equality under the law. Equality promised in the Constitution to protect citizens from discrimination from laws that treat them differently for no good reason. And let’s face it, there is no good reason to deny LGBTQ Americans marriage equality.

Protect the sanctity of marriage – seriously. Same sex marriage had nothing to do with Kim Kardashian’s failed 72 day marriage, then getting pregnant without benefit of marriage by another man while still married to her 72-day wonder husband.

Marriage is an archaic but evolving institution that establishes the rights and obligations between spouses including at least 1,138 federal tangible benefits, protections, rights, and responsibilities that marriage brings couples and their children. Bottom line is if you want the benefits then you better put a ring on it.

But amidst our voices lifted in singing “Going to the Chapel” is another chorus of voices asking why; why must we go through the motions to provide basic human rights for our spouses and families?

Chicago songstress C.C. Carter related how she had been dragged kicking and screaming to the altar to marry her spouse. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her wife. They have been together for years and no license or piece of paper could give them greater acknowledgement, recognition or validation. The issue for Carter was why she (or anyone) needed to get a license to provide what should be a basic human right for everyone – to provide for and protect our families.

In the end it’s all about love. The love we have for each other. The love we have for our families. The love we have for equality and ultimately, the love we should have for one another to live in peace, safety and equality. Now wouldn’t that be an amazing Valentine’s gift to the world?

What Can We Be That Our Children Might See?

Printed 1/3/2013 in issue 2101 Between The Lines

As we go through life there’s a handful of people who change you, whose words haunt you and in critical times, challenging times, crucial times shape your thoughts, move you to action and help you be that part of change, the solution instead of sitting on the sidelines.

So it only makes sense that as we celebrated the twentieth anniversary of Detroit Summer, the words of James Boggs weighed heavily on my mind and influenced my actions not only in 2012 but as we go in to 2013. In founding Detroit Summer, Jimmy asked “What can we be that our children might see?”

It began with the elections and the divisive politics pitting more than Democrats against Republicans, progressives against conservatives but the haves against the 99 percent -a hodgepodge of Americans that includes immigrants, women, youth, labor, and the LGBT community.

What we discovered was that we, this hodgepodge of America, this 99 percent were all under attack. This attack promised to do more than turn back hard won human/civil rights of the past, but deny rights moving forward not just for us but for our children as well.

Even while conservative organizations used the Citizens United ruling to funnel millions of dollars into attempts to influence, buy and out-and-out steal the election, adversity brought us together.

The President’s evolution on LGBT marriage and the prominent role of our issues at the Democratic National Convention, along with the GOP’s recurring incidents of “foot in mouth,” broadened the discussion.

Our issues were different, but the intersections between social justice and LGBT equality became even clearer – attacks on Choice/Planned Parenthood and women’s health issues included lesbian health initiatives; discussions on full employment included ENDA; and family values/protections included our families.

In 2012 we dodged the Romney/Ryan bullet, but there’s no time to sit on our laurels, hope that the Mayan predictions for the end of times is wrong and pick out our inaugural gowns.

Washington grid-lock continues and at the state level, well Michigan’s lame duck legislature showed us how dangerous that can be – the war for equality rages on.

As the days countdown to 2013, the question remains; “What can we be that our children might see?”

Studies show that more and more Americans have evolved on LGBT marriage and equality but it will take more than changed minds.

Our efforts to educate and register voters must continue – right now! We’ve seen the enemy, and if we don’t take proactive steps to educate, mobilize and get out our vote, our inaction will continue to be our own worst enemy come 2014.

Social issues like equality are very much inexorably tied to fiscal and financial issues; many in the LGBT community get hit with the double struggle of a bad economy and legal employment discrimination against them.

We must continue to build upon the alliances formed in 2012 within the progressive community, but as partners, not part of the supporting cast. We have skin in the game not just as Americans but as Gay Americans.

Our rights, our issues, our stories must be heard – they are, have been and will be part of America’s story.

We have to quit talking about diversity and inclusion and be diverse and inclusive. That’s the world our children see and it’s time we start doing the serious work to make it so, and that includes within our LGBT leadership and organizations.

Time and time again, when sitting around the diversity campfire I hear the same story. “We try to be inclusive and have reached out to (gay/straight, youth, people of color, transgender – fill in the group of your choice) but it just hasn’t worked out.

On the flip side, I hear from the other folks (youth, people of color, transgender – fill in the group of your choice) that although a seat was offered at the table the menu remained unchanged.

Decisions, strategies, new initiatives and governance remains the same. As one Latina sister told me, “Adding Habanero sauce to the condiment tray but still serving peas and white rice ain’t inclusion!”

Let’s face it, if we can’t get it together in our LGBT house our work will continue to be an uphill battle in the state and federal legislative houses. There’s a lot of work to be done for our families, in the workplace, and for marriage equality.

As one year ends and a new year begins we must each decide how and where we are going to give and commit our time, talent and tithes.

So as you contemplate how you will commit your time, (especially over the next four years; hate to say it but we still have two elections to be working on now) and reinvest in our community (yes the money will have to come from us), don’t say no. Say yes to equality.

Because we have promises to keep to our community and most importantly to our children, and miles to go before we sleep.

ROCK STAR

It’s safe to open the blinds now

The sun has gone down

I’ve had a vampire kind of day

The sun’s rays could not disperse the fog

Surrounding my thoughts

So it was banished.

I see that you have called

Written messages

Messages saying you understand

Feel my pain, my sadness

You send me healing energy, love

A shoulder to rest on

You are a faithful friend.

But I need a Vampire rock star

I need to be loved fiercely

I’ll take that healing, that love

I may even rest briefly on that shoulder

But I need a fucking warrior princess

Yes I’ve been through a lot

But I didn’t do it crawling on my knees

Whimpering, looking for pity, asking for handouts

I scratched, I clawed, I survived.

Yes, I am tired now

And some days the fog hides my path

But right now I need a vampire rock star, a warrior princess

Because I need to bring it

With a god damn vengeance

This time it’s a battle for my life

And I need a Warrior princess,

Vampire rock star

Cuz I’m ready to feed.